kat, unedited

Logan now has a cold and cough and a fever. It is sooo pitiful and I feel so bad for her. It’s like she went to daycare and took each and every germ home and is now fighting them. Sigh. I knew she would catch something but I didn’t think she would catch everything. It’s tough seeing her sick.

Logan has a fever :( I noticed it when we got home yesterday and when I checked, it was 102.4!! Called the nurse, gave her Tylenol, and it went down a little. Woke up at 2am to nurse her and she was super hot. Took her temp and it’s 102.9!!! Oy. More Tylenol, put her in a short sleeve onesie, nursed until she literally can’t have any more milk. She feels a little cooler to the touch but still pretty hot. I feel guilty—damn going back to work and her going to daycare. I knew she was gonna pick something up but was kind of expecting a minor cold or something, not a almost-103-fever inducing bug! She and I are sharing the guest bed tonight so I could monitor her. My poor little baby :( Needless to say, I’m staying home from work so she can rest and fight this thing. Also, I don’t think they want her at daycare anyway.

I hope she’s better in the morning..

So, I’m alive, and so is Logan. We survived my first day of work and her first full day at daycare! I missed her terribly, but I have to be honest—not having her with me at all times is so weird but also so liberating. Little things that I’ve taken for granted are now truly appreciated (e.g., getting in the car and tossing my purse in and just driving away, listening to loud music in the car, taking the stairs). She did well. Still refusing the bottle but she is drinking milk with a medicine dropper. At least she’s getting some nourishment. I figured if this means that we’ll just have marathon nursing sessions when she’s home and through the night, then so be it. She did smell like spit up when I picked her up, and she never spits up when she’s at home with me. I can’t wait until we get used to this new routine that we have, and, I’m still crossing fingers that she will someday take the bottle. Otherwise, I will start her on the sippy cup pretty soon (6mos?). And, by then she’ll be eating too so hopefully that will help stave off hunger.

One thing that’s difficult to swallow with our new set-up is realizing that she only spends about 2-3 hours of her awake time with me. We got home at around 5pm yesterday and she was ready for bed at 7pm. I held her a little bit longer after she was done nursing and was asleep in my arms. And I welcomed her cries when she woke up for her nighttime feedings. I feel like I’ll take what I can get, and if it means I’m super tired in the morning, then so be it I guess. Today, she was much happier when I woke her up to get ready as she got a good night’s sleep, and she’s smiling when I drop her off. That makes me feel better.

I’ve decided that I will try to work for another year and a half and then quit. She’ll be almost 2 then, and I think that’s a good age to stay home with her full time. Joe and I will be able to more comfortably swing it financially, and Logan’s earliest memories will have Mama home with her. Ok, only 18 more months! :)

Logan has been at the daycare for 2 hours. Got my hair done and I grabbed lunch real quick. I’ll be with her again in about 30mins. I hope things went well. I miss her, but actually, apart from crying on the way to the daycare then again on the way to the hair salon, I feel ok. Whew. I hope she did too!

Sitting in the car, waiting for Logan to wake from her nap. We’re outside the daycare we’re going to use until the one that we really want has a spot for her, which I’m hoping is in January.

I try not to think about this whole going back to work thing. I mean, I do give it thought, but I keep it happy. Otherwise, you’ll find me bawling. I know many moms go through this, and I know each and every one of them survive it. And so, so will I. I knew I’d have a hard time, so no, I’m not surprised. I just wish I could somehow bring her to work with me :)

I need to have a good talk with the daycare director about this whole bottle-feeding thing. I need to know that they’ll work with her, with me, and that they won’t think of her as that annoying baby who won’t take a bottle because her mom didn’t give it to her consistently. And that right there is my true fear. I’ve been doing a lot of Googling in the past 24 hours though and it seems common for younger babies to be ok with the bottle then balk at it at 3-4 months, which was also confirmed by the pediatrician, so I won’t be too hard on myself. Still.

Man, I will miss her so much when I go back to work…

waiting4amiracle replied to your post: I’m sitting in our bedroom, listening to Logan cry…

only 2 more weeks?? are you dreading going back to work, or are you ready?

I know—where the heck did the time go? I’m actually looking forward to going back to work because I like my job, BUT, I am dreading leaving Logan in daycare. I wish I could work in 3-hour increments so I could nurse her when she’s hungry. I’m meeting with the daycare director tomorrow to do our paperwork and I’ll have to really discuss this whole bottle-feeding thing with her. Our pediatrician said that it’ll take 1-2 days or so to get Logan to take a bottle, or it may actually be easier. The thing is, she most likely won’t take a bottle from me, so I won’t know how well Logan will do with the daycare people. Joe did try this morning, and Logan cried for about 40 minutes. It’s heartbreaking, and I just don’t think I have the heart to keep doing that for another 2 weeks. Plus, I don’t want her to associate her dad with the mean bottle. So..I guess we’ll see. I hate this, actually. I should really be enjoying my last couple of weeks at home with her but instead I’m worrying about this! Anyway, sorry to go off, but this is stressing me out a little :(

PS How far along are you now??? How are you feeling? :) I hope everything’s going well!

I’m sitting in our bedroom, listening to Logan cry in protest in the living room as Joe tries to give her a bottle. I have less than 2 weeks left of maternity leave. Oh man. This is gonna be a looooong 2 weeks. My poor baby :(