kat, unedited

Right now I’m getting ready for my half marathon. A freakin’ half marathon! I’m super excited. Ok, off to freak out now!

10/25/10 CD31 aka 7DPO

7dpo today and I need to keep busy. I was super exhausted last night and fell asleep on the couch at around 7pm. Got up to eat dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, got ready for bed, and was out before 10pm. This exhaustion is something that I don’t think I usually have before AF, but I don’t really know. Maybe I am pregnant?

My boobs are mildly sore right now, but only to the touch. Nipples are normal now and didn’t hurt at all starting yesterday (I think). Boobs also feel fuller today. I’ve been experiencing some random mild twinges in the ab area.

Oh, and I’m so exhausted right now. I’m drinking my coffee and it seems to not be having too much of an effect.

Honestly, I wish that I am pregnant. So badly. I know that at this point, and for the next 6 days, no amount of thinking about it is gonna change the outcome of this cycle but I really really want this to be the month. I haven’t felt this way in a few months and I do feel renewed. I’ve been envisioning everything that is gonna happen when we see that second pink line. I was even thinking today while going up the stairs to go to work that this could be my last Monday not knowing I’m pregnant. The last Monday I’m not a mother. This whole week could be the last full work week that I am unaware of the existence of my child. I mean, it is crazy so to think that way, but can you blame me?

If not, and I’m putting this on here just to keep myself grounded, then I have no choice but to be ok. I have no choice but to keep going and try and try again, and of course that’s what I’ll do. Of course I’ll be just fine if the outcome this month is not pregnancy, because dammit it will happen! SOON!

Thoughts today: OMG I am so tired that I can take a 2hr nap right now. Seriously. Ahhh let it be a preggo symptom! I don’t even know why I’m indulging myself. But thing is, this tiredness seriously just hit me right now and it’s 1:30pm, I had my morning coffee, and I slept for at least 8 hours last night! Maybe it was too much sleep…In other news, my appetite is UP UP UP. It’s awful, really. Fuck. If I do get my period I have to run like the wind all next week after the half.

Thoughts from last week, after ovulation…

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10/21/10 CD27 aka 3DPO

No sex last night as I have just been so exhausted recently. Oh well. If it doesn’t work this time, then on to the next cycle! I feel much better prepared and, also, I think I feel at ease because I’ve contacted the RE’s office and I’m on my way to getting seen (hopefully before the end of the year). So I’m not complaining. If I have any lingering doubts in the back of my mind, the knowledge that I can get medical help pretty much makes the doubts go away. And I feel pretty good.

Joe and I have been great this cycle too. I feel like it’s the first cycle that he’s actually had input. It’s like he’s thinking about the process a little more, the science behind conception. He now knows how long sperm could live in my cervix, why my cervical mucus needs to be a certain quality, why we NEED to have sex on certain days versus others. This is the first time since we decided to have a baby that he’s really been involved in all that. And he’s been very supportive too—which really just means he does what I tell him! Haha. I truly feel like a team.

So what have I been doing? Oh nothing. Today my temp was still up so as predicted, I got my crosshairs on CD24. Looking at the times I charted around ovulation, CD24 has consistently been when I get my crosshairs. So although I have longer cycles, it’s good to know that they are regular.

Testing day will be Nov 1st if no period yet. I promise this time I will wait. Really. That would be CD38, which would be longer than usual for me. It’s also the day after my half marathon. And it’s 11 days away. And exactly one year since my first ever positive pregnancy test (which I just realized—wow). Wouldn’t that be AMAZING?! Yes, yes it would.

PS WTF is up with this whole breakout on my face and back?! I have these little bitty zits on my face and one huge one on my back that just magically appeared today. Must be from progesterone. And, must be why I had backne the whole time I was pregnant last year. Nice.

10/22/10 CD28 aka 4DPO

You know what I realized last night? That my LMP last year when I got pregnant was Sept 25, and that’s my LMP right now. How trippy, huh? Even Joe thinks it’s weird! Because, you know, we’re gonna repeat history and all ;)

I’ve been crazy exhausted the last couple of days, most especially last night. Joe and I were planning on doing a quick run after the Giants game (which they didn’t win—BOOOO) but I fell asleep before the game was even over, and his attempts to rouse me for the run failed. It wasn’t even 8:30pm yet. I have noticed before that I tend to get tired after ovulation, so I don’t think it’s an indication that I’m pregnant. It would be awesome if it were though :)

I’ve also been kinda moody, which I did mention before. I snapped at a coworker earlier this week, on Monday, which would’ve been ovulation day for me. It must be the progesterone?? Overall though, I’ve been ok. Maybe I just don’t like this coworker of mine!

Nipples are still store and are always hard, which I’ve mentioned before. Other than that, everything’s fine. I’ve been hungrier, but I think that’s common for me. This girl loves to eat!

And, glorious weekend is here! We’re hosting poker night later after my Bodyflow class and quick run, then I’m doing a long run tomorrow with Abs (~9mi), then going to my sister’s 8th birthday party. Should be fun. Sunday I hope it rains so I could just stay in, launder my clothes and the dogs, and clean and keep the couch warm with my butt. Oh, and watch football!

PS Thoughts today: I will not cut my hair when I find out I’m pregnant again. I did this last year and although I really liked it and a lot of other people did as well, I think it’s a big drastic change and I’m really really really missing my long hair. In addition but completely not related, remember I mentioned above that I’ve been hungrier?? Well, I had breakfast AND lunch before 10:30am today. How’s that for being efficient? I ate my lunch early because it was just so damn delicious! I made BBQ chicken last night and I MUST make it again this weekend—yes, it was that good. Mmmmmm. Oh, and I’m enjoying my first ever Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks and it’s ok. I’m a Caramel Macchiato girl (triple) and I love the perfect combination of bitter espresso and sweet caramel. Mmmmmm…

10/24/10 CD30 aka 6DPO

I’ve been having random crampiness and I had major discharge on Friday evening. I’ve still been super exhausted. Nothing else though. Oh, my boobs are now sore too, but that’s typical for right before my period. So, I have 7 days to wait for my period. This time next week, I will have been a half marathoner and possibly pregnant, or still trying to conceive. I will admit, I’m not as positive as I was last week.

Here were my thoughts from early last week…

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10/19/10 CD25

My BBT did go up today by about .3 degrees (97.0), but I’m having major hot flashes right now and it’s only 10:30am. I think it’ll be up higher tomorrow.

My nipples are more sore than yesterday, especially when I pinch them. I know I probably shouldn’t do that! But I do feel it. And during a run yesterday my boobs kind of hurt when they bounced, so I wanna say I’m probably in my 2ww right now, most likely 1-2 DPO. I think I may have ovulated as early as Sunday, CD23. I will do another OPK this afternoon and I expect it to be negative.

As far as baby-dancin’, we did last night and I plan to again tomorrow. I think we covered our bases really well this cycle. I think I may have gotten pregnant with last night’s session! Haha. I know, I’m so overly confident this time. I have been before too, with saved drafts that I end up deleting because I’m just disappointed when I do get my period at the end. But I dunno. Part me hopes that this cycle, which is exactly the same cycle a year ago when I got pregnant, would be the same one when I do get pregnant again. I mean, things like this happen to me more often than not, I feel like. It would make for an amazing story, and it would make me the happiest person in the whole wide world.

I think about all the things that have happened this year and I’m thankful. I’ve made a really awesome friend whom I can call on for anything, I’ve ran more than I have in my entire life, I went to Europe, I’ve gone wine-tasting in Napa. I’ve LIVED in this last year. I mean, for a while there I was so consumed with trying for a baby again that I would only get bursts of living. But I wanted to fix this, and I did. I continued to live my life, and I’m happy that I did. I now have an extra year of baby-free life that I could share with my child when he/she is born. This year has helped strengthen my relationship with Joe, which in turn benefits our child. It’s a win-win.

I will say though, the miscarriage is one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through. The loss, the pain, the void it leaves behind. It crushes your dreams, your whole being. To have had a taste of what it feels like to be pregnant, to look forward to your new life, to know that you will become a mother in less than a year, and then have it taken away is something that I would never, ever wish on anybody. I think about how my life would’ve been different, and sometimes I do still feel that ache. But with the kind of year I’ve had, I’m not complaining.

This baby will be here soon. I can just feel it. It’ll happen!

10/20/10 CD26

One more elevated temp and I’m officially in the two-week-wait. I have been burning up randomly in the last couple of days, but today I’m just burning up in general. My temp is at least .9 degrees higher that pre-O temps (97.6) and it’s amazing that I can feel it! I almost feel feverish and I’m so super thirsty. And, in the notes I made in the beginning of this cycle to prepare for ovulation, I noted that I get a temp jump on CD26 and lo and behold, almost a degree temp shift today.

I’m a little apprehensive about my OPKs because I still got a positive yesterday, even when I took a second one later in the afternoon. It’s been 4 days of positive tests! I started to wonder if dehydration can affect these tests and a quick browse on Google gave me mixed info. There was one lady who said that the only time OPKs work for her is when she purposely limits her water intake. Then I also read elsewhere that dehydration can cause false positives. So, I don’t know. I think I will keep testing around the same time everyday with the same conditions until I get a negative. Actually, I think I will only test until Friday and see what happens. I have been running so much that being dehydrated is almost inevitable. I ran on Sat and Monday and got positives on those days. However, I didn’t run on Sun and Tue and still got positives on those days. It’s all a mystery! I did have a negative on Thurs after running 4 miles that morning…hmmm. We’ll see!

Anyways, I plan to have sex tonight and see if I feel any pain. Usually, around or after ovulation, I feel a side pain when Joe’s in there. I’d like to see if it’s there again this time.

Oh, and boob update. The boob soreness started today, although very mild and only when I fondle my boobs (another thing I really shouldn’t be doing). Nipples are definitely very very sensitive and are even hard when not in contact with anything (this is not common for me). These are all signs that I’ve ovulated, but I really really want my sustained elevated temps!

PS I didn’t take guaifenesin last night, so I only took it until CD24, which is when I will get my cross-hairs with tomorrow’s recorded temp. How do I know this? Well, because I’ve already put a theoretical temp on Fertility Friend and that’s when it gave me cross-hairs. Too bad I woke up late on Sun and I don’t know what my real BBT is. Oh well. C’est la vie.

wishinhopinprayin replied to your post: TTC Diary Part I

Verrrrrrrry interesting!!! Thanks for posting this, Kat! It really gets my brain wrapped around it, reading another person’s experiences. If it is up tomorrow, would that mean you’re having triphasic temperatures?

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Hey Kiki! The previous post and tge next few ones are actually things I’ve been saving in my drafts since a little over a week ago. My one draft was getting quite long so I figured I needed to start publishing them! I’ve put dates so they’re easy to follow :)

In terms if my temps, right now they’re still biphasic, with the potential to go triphasic. I recorded a higher than usual post-ovulation temp today but I don’t know if it’ll stay that high or if it’s just a fluke. I’m 10dpo today, so I have 2-3 more days left in my luteal phase! I’m hoping the temps stay up and I’ll have happy news to report early next week! Keep your fingers crossed :)

Thoughts leading up to ovulation…

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10/12/10 CD18

Today is CD18, aka the beginning of my fertile period this cycle. Last night Joe and I had impromptu sex (impromptu as in we woke up after having slept for a few hours and had sex), which was a great start to our week of trying to fertilize the egg one of my ovaries will release this coming weekend. Today, I started taking my morning temp (96.8, like usual). Today, I will also start my guaifenesin regimen, along with a HUGE intake of water, to help with my cervical mucus. Too bad I forgot the pill bottle at home, but I guess I’ll take it tonight. Weirdly, this morning, even as I type this, I feel twinges in my right ovary area. I have always wanted to test this whole switching-ovulating-ovary thing each cycle (which I’ve heard is a myth), so now I have it recorded somewhere so I can compare for next cycle. Another thing I’m starting this cycle is OPKs. I will use my first one tomorrow, since I think I ovulate between CD 22-24. I really have been trying not to use these damn sticks because I fear that it will add fuel to my tendency to over-analyze things. But my OB recommended them, and I think the me now is different from the me in the beginning of the year and I won’t be thinking about it too much.

So, while we’re in the threshold of something big, how am I feeling? Honestly, still hopeful. Every month, I’ve noticed, I really do work myself up to thinking this is THE Month. The one that will change my life forever and ever. The one that will lead to a baby in my arms next summer, a possible Leo baby like me. I think I also feel a little more at peace because I’ve taken steps towards being seen by a specialist, and that if things don’t work soon, I can find answers why.

So, today, CD18, is a pretty damn good day.

10/13/10 (CD19)

Started my guaifenesin last night and man oh man, that shit works! I think I’ve seen more cervical mucus today than I’ve had all year on any given day! Guaifenesin (or Robitussin) helps in improving the quality of your cervical mucus, making it more mucus-y, which then makes things more sperm-friendly down there. It doesn’t, however, create more mucus. Because I really want things to be optimal down there, I’m drinking a ton of water today. The reason I decided to take this this cycle is because I don’t really get to see lots of egg-white cervical mucus, which is the most fertile type. The consistency of it is like semen, in which of course sperm thrives. So I hope this helps! Now that I know it works, I will definitely incorporate it into our TTC regimen from this point on (if this cycle doesn’t work, but I think it just might!).

I decided I would skip the baby aspirin this cycle and maybe introduce it next cycle (if we see next cycle). This is supposed to help enrich the uterine lining and help with implantation. I think it’s too late now anyways, as I think I was supposed to take it after my period.

Today I get to buy my first OPK. I checked them out yesterday at the grocery store and these damn things are more expensive than a pregnancy test! Good thing they have a coupon online for $2 off to offset some of that. The plan is to use the OPK tomorrow (or maybe tonight, depending on the instructions) until I get a positive reading. Here’s the hoping that I do!

I also took my temp again this morning and it’s my usual 96.8. I read somewhere this may be too low, but I don’t know. If it is too low, it could indicate a thyroid problem. I won’t worry about that though. I’ve always thought that my cooler body temp was because I overheat so easily. I’m hoping that this temp goes up by the weekend.

Baby dance tonight since we haven’t since Mon evening. Let’s go, baby!

10/18/10 CD24

Oh man, can you tell I’ve been busy??

Ok just a couple updates:

The twinges I was feeling last week completely went away after a day or so. I don’t feel them anymore. I’m probably ovulating right this instant (haha) or some time in the past couple of days. I started my OPK testing last week on Wed night (CD19) and got an almost positive on Fri, and a definite positive on Sat, yesterday (Sun), and today. I’m not really sure what that means and I will Google it after I’m done typing here. We’ve pretty much been baby-dancin’ every other day, and to be honest, I can’t wait until my temps shoot up so we don’t have to worry about timing sex anymore! It’s ok though—I hope it’s not all in vain!

Other symptoms of impending ovulation have included gassiness (I’m not even sure if that’s a symptom) and horniness. Good lawd. And, just today I’ve been in a mood (snapped at coworker) and also my nipples are very mildly painful (not related to coworker). I’m thinking my temps will go up no later than Thursday.

How do I feel? Pretty good. I think I’m at a place where I know we’re doing everything we can and that’s the best that we can do. Like all the literature I’ve read, there is a 20% chance each cycle, and if we take that into consideration, this is only the 2nd cycle that we’ve really planned for. It could take another 3 cycles to get that BFP with those numbers. I don’t think I’m gonna be too disappointed without a BFP this time around especially too since I’m still getting the hang of the OPKs.

Oh, one thing about the OPKs: I am so relieved that these tests are showing up positive. It shows me that my body actually gears up for ovulation and then with my temp shift shows that I actually ovulated. It calms me and makes me feel better that things are I guess working down there.

I have a feeling that we are probably gonna be pregnant by the end of the year. I could just feel it!!!!

PS this afternoon (it’s now 3:25pm), major hot flashes. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the post-O progesterone surge and my BBT tomorrow AM is over 97.2!

What I’d love to be when I grow up: I saw another patient today. She’s in her late 70’s/early 80’s, and she was accompanied by her husband who is the same age. I saw them both in August, and at the time they shared with me that they had moved about 100 miles away into a retirement home. Well today they excitedly told me that they have moved back into town, and they are renting an apartment while their new house is built. When I asked them why they moved back, their answer was simple: “There were too many old people there.” My wish for Joe and me in our 80’s is to look at people in the same age group and call them old people. My wish is to be oblivious of the wrinkles, the slowness of gait, the arthritis, the number of pills we take. My wish is to move out of retirement home because everybody else is too old for us, and rent an apartment! At 80! My wish is to feel my best every year of my golden years and never let my age dictate what I can and can’t do. This couple today gave me a glimpse of what my life needs to be in 60+ years, and I may never see them again, but I will always remember this gift of a perspective they gave me.

 mysocalledttclife replied to your post: Just checking in, ladies :) Every cycle, I’m…

When do you think you’ll test? I hope, HOPE this is it for you, Kat, and that that appt. w/your RE is for nothing! :)

Honestly, I may test with my FRER as early as Thurs. Part of me even wants to do it tomorrow at 9dpo. Ugh, I think I should just accept that I’ll never be able to wait the whole length of my luteal phase and stop beating myself up over it and just pee on the damn stick already! I know there’s a huge possibility it would be a BFN (which I would hope is false), so that’s stopping me. But knowing myself, and knowing I have one FRER sitting in my drawer at home, all by its lonesome, I might just bust it out tomorrow.

I know you said you’re not testing or even taking temps—how are you holding up?

Oh, by the way, THANK YOU and everybody else for the positive vibes! I need each and every single one! :)

Just checking in, ladies :)

Every cycle, I’m reminded how equal parts awesome and nerve-wracking the two-week-wait is. I told myself I wouldn’t analyze too much, but I couldn’t help myself since these things are happening to my own body and it’s kinda hard to ignore them! I have a couple new symptoms and some of the usual ones. The new ones I’m not even sure are really new, or just newly noticed. But whatever. I’m trying my darndest to keep myself occupied at work since it seems to me that when I’m there (or I guess here, since I’m here now) is when I think about testing early the most. But I will persevere. The earliest I will test is on Sunday, the morning of my half marathon. Why? Oh because my girl, whom I’m running with, and I are planning on going to brunch after and indulging in endless cranberry mimosas and I’d like to know if I’ll be drunk by 2pm or playing designated driver. 

How do I feel? It depends on the time of day. However, I mostly start out convinced this is indeed the cycle it’s worked, then end up trying to be more realistic and thinking we only had a 20% chance and based on that, we may have to try a couple more months. And I feel ok with that.

One thing I will share with you—this is the same exact cycle that I got pregnant last year. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t hoping I would get pregnant again this cycle, one year later. Another trippy thing? My LMP (last menstrual period) is the same exact date as last year too. I mean, can we just repeat history please (except this time I wanna go full term)?

And that’s what I have form the land of The Two Week Wait.

Now off to work my ass off the rest of the day to keep myself distracted because really, 8DPO is just waaaaay too early to get a positive result. Right? Right.

It’s been a wonderful weekend thus far.

We started off with Poker Night with friends on Friday. We hosted, and I made the most amazing chocolate chip pumpkin bread. I need to find the recipe to share on here, but it was a hit! We didn’t win at poker, but we had the most wonderful time with our friends.

Saturday found us going to 2 children’s birthday parties—one is my younger sister’s 8th. Spending time with family was made sweeter by the Giants win against the Phillies. I’m not big on baseball, but Joe has been going to Giants games since he can remember. Ahhh it was a nailbiter!

And today—today is perfect. We woke up to a rainstorm, which is still going on right now. The trees are dripping and frenetically waving at me from my warm vantage point inside the house and I could hear the raindrops from one of the windows I’ve left open. I’m blasting Jack Johnson and Coldplay, and I’ve cleaned the house, the dogs, put in new plug-in scent thingies, the laundry is going, and I’m still sipping on my coffee (and it’s 2pm!). It’s perfect. I’m uploading photos from our Europe trip so we could share them with family who are far away, and after I’m done on here, I will curl up on the couch and read my current book, The Help. And Joe? Joe is out watching football at his buddy’s house. We will share some wine and eat soup by candlelight when he comes home tonight.

wishinhopinprayin replied to your post: Joining the Two-Week-Wait Bandwagon :)

How often did you guys do the baby dance? if you don’t mind me asking! I’m so conflicted, I’ve read that we should do it as often as possible during my fertile window and then I’ve read to do it every other day… What’s your solution, all-wise-one?

“all-wise-one”—LOL, Kiki!

I’ve read all this too, and I kind of just tried not to think about it. I felt that as long as we were doing it at least every other day, we should be covered. I read somewhere that it takes the strong, mighty sperm (the cream of the crop, as they say <—sorry couldn’t help myself!) 45 min to make it to the fallopian tubes, where the lucky winner will meet the egg when released and sparks will fly and boom! BABY! However, it could also take up to 12 hours. But we did stick to every other day until I started getting positive OPKs, then we moved it to everyday. I also figured (and read) that my fertile time is 5 days before my expected ovulation, so even when my OPKs were still negative, it was good to have sex just in case I ovulated early or, just so there’s a constant waiting room full of sperm. Oh, one thing I read too with the every other day thing is there is more time to build up semen which then makes it more conducive to keeping sperm alive longer. (Man, I do a lot of reading about this…)

Then again, I’m not an expert and I’m not pregnant yet, so I don’t even know if any of this stuff works! I think it’s just key to do it on a regular basis and hopefully one of the gazillions of sperm finds the egg. Good luck, Kiki!

mysocalledttclife replied to your post: Joining the Two-Week-Wait Bandwagon :)

I’m SO hoping this is it for you!! I’m temping, too, but am scared to temp on CD26 when I know it could drop and therefore AF is coming. What will you do? Good luck!!!!!! xo

Well, my plan this time around is to wait until the day after my period is due before testing. My cycle has consistently been 36-37 days, so I will test on CD38, which is Nov 1st, if AF has not shown up yet. Consequently, that’s the day after my half marathon! Luckily I have that so I won’t be tempted to test early that weekend. I’ve actually never temped past 7DPO or so, but I may this time. I do feel that continuing to temp in the 2nd week of the tww will just drive me crazy, so I don’t know!

Good luck to you, too! When do you plan on testing?

As predicted, my temp this morning was elevated (for the 3rd day in a row), enough for Fertility Friend (<—click if you wanna see) to give me crosshairs! And since I have new followers who might not know what this means, let me explain really quick:

Basically, your body’s basal temperature goes up after you ovulate because of the release of a hormone called progesterone. People who are trying to conceive a baby use this temperature-charting tool just to make sure that ovulation did occur. Fertility Friend offers a way to chart your temperature online, and once it sees that you have 3 days of sustained temperature increase, it gives you crosshairs on your chart. The crosshairs show you when you may have ovulated (though it’s not an exact science) with a vertical line, and a horizontal line which shows your coverline, a visual tool to help you easily see your pre- and post-ovulation temperatures (hence the crosshairs).

So.

I’m now 3 days-post-ovulation (DPO). I am 9-10 days from the last day of my cycle, and my expected period is 10-11 days from today. How do I feel? Well, I’m ok. Better than ok, actually. I think we did what we could this cycle and now it’s really out of our hands. And since we have a 20% chance each cycle, I figured we could keep doing what we’re doing at least ‘til the end of the year and hopefully something sticks. Meanwhile, I’m going to a seminar with the reproductive health clinic to get all the info I need and start preparing myself for testing for infertility. I feel like I have my bases covered, so I’m feeling pretty good!

To the other ladies in the TWW, good luck! I hope we get our positives soon!

Things I love: listening to the rustling of leaves, thanks to a steady breeze this evening, as I fall slowly, heavily, one-deep-breath-after-another, asleep.